no douchebags and no kids
joined a dating site. joined it a while ago, but just made a fairly passable profile recently. its fun to surf around, most especially when someone is actually funny or clever.
and its fun to mock the men who are naked or nearly.
i suspect i will be wandering the site for a little while, anyway, cause it passes the time and so far i havent seen all there is to see. and who knows?
one never knows, do one?
but its clarified a couple things for me. it has really really clarified that i dont mind the idea of being alone. i did mind that idea, terribly, 3 years ago, when searching for a place sans keith. i tried really hard to back out of the “lets get our own places” deal, because i was suddenly and surprisingly stricken with terror at the idea of being alone forever.
that feeling persisted for a good while, and i didnt even know i had gotten over it. no way to notice, really, since i see keith every day and dont have to ponder the question.
b hermes uk ut being on this site has shown me. it has shown me that i dont need some man’s approval, nor some other man’s condescension, nor some other man’s rules. all sorts of things on the site that surprise me. and i wonder about the woman who would respond to half these guys. one guy actually wrote good luck in his profile, and not like “good luck in your search” but “good luck landing me.” yikes, dude. i think i will pass.
it has also shown me i have no desire to be responsible to anyone else’s children. because often, one begins to love what one is responsible for, no? i think the little prince guy said it better, but i think its what he meant. and i cant afford loving any more kids.
philip seymour hoffman died, and thats it, thats the last straw for me and kids. your child might be, as he was, the greatest actor of his generation, no contest, and be dead. your child might be, like amy winehouse, the best singer of her generation, no contest, and be dead. or your child might, like my nephew, be devastatingly gorgeous, with a spark like the north star, and be dead. i cant afford the risk, anymore, of loving any more children than i already do.
plus, smaller kids, they come with custody battles, and support battles, and crazy mothers. not doing it. i mean, not even entertaining it, not giving myself a chance to like someone where i might have to make that decision, OR, godforfuckingbid, deal with ANOTHer beloved child’s adolescence. no. if they are past adolescence, okay. cause i likely wont get too attached.
as for affection and sex, well, well, sex we know i have had enough of in this lifetime. yes, i would take more, but that is seriously greedy of me. affection? thats different and dramatically harder, of course. no hugs for the rest of my life? for the duration? no one to reach out to in bed, ever? no strong man’s back under my hand? wait a second, i work with 60 dudes and get multiple hugs hello and goodbye every time i work. omg its the job! i dont mind the idea of not having one man in my life, cause i have 60, instead!
ok, but its not the same. but its pretty damn good. ok, but, no special affection ever, in that special man in your house kind of way what of it? whats the tradeoff for t hermes uk h hermes uk at? excuse me while i picture the man free life. ok, have to take out my own garbage. no one to cook for me. no, not true, many people still to cook for me or take me to dinner. movies alone i prefer. concerts alone i prefer. weddings or family events or funerals, without a mate by my side? uhh, i think i will be okay. i never even knew till very recently that we were supposed to mind going to those things a hermes uk lone. maybe its easier for me to do these things alone bc i am never actually alone, on account of i can talk to anybody.
no one to argue with? before keith, that was a noticable lack there is an intimacy in arguing, you know. there is. but believe me, i am argued out. i do not foresee ever, ever missing it again. could i be wrong?lets see no one to vacuum and rush around with me before a party. okay, how often do i have parties?
no one to drive me places. so, time to learn to drive myself then, right?
amazing how you do something, thinking you are moving towards one thing, and realize that its not necessarily where you want to move.
now, that is not to say i wouldnt like to find a love. of course i would. but the bar has been raised dramatically. from here on out, i will only settle for being loved like this: